My darling Bryce,
I miss you so much and life had been unbearable without you!
No one-one sheds more tears than I -
There is so much I want to say, but don't quite know how.
I enjoyed singing songs with you! I enjoyed your singing with me. I enjoyed you teaching me as many songs as I taught you.
It was fun last year singing Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer and Dashing through the Snow!
I enjoyed everything about you and unfortunately my mind and heart just don't quite get along right now.
I know that when Jesus came to you in the hospital, he lifted you up, he gave you the strength and a light so you could drive out of your hospital room, give the PICU staff a signed photo and then came home for another few weeks with your mamma & family. On Oct. 22nd, you were in total peace and in God's hands and you had no pain and no suffering.
My goal is to find a way to stop blaming myself for not using the ambu bag faster or better, or knowing how to increase your bipap settings etc.
Forgive me my darling boy for not saving you. .
Its hard to explain - The reason I don't sleep much is just because first, I am use to caring for you through the night, next, when I think of you my love I just want you here with me. I was selfish, because I would have been the mom to put you on a trach - but you told the doctors at the hospital you wanted to come home on your bipap.
I just am finally understanding that you are not here in this world but you are in the next and this is so hard for me.